Dear Journal,
Today, I was talking to my friend Mackenzie about the daily hustle of being a young person with drive to do things well, not just to “punch the clock” or “mark it as done,” but to really desire to be exceptional and put a lot of effort in.
I often hear the statement, “I don’t know how you do it” or “you have so much on your plate,” and while I do have so much on my plate, my alternative is not really an option… I do do it all because it is just me and my four-year-old at home.
I have to pay my bills. I have to have savings. I have to be there for my family and my friends. When the fever kicks in at 2 am, it’s just me. When the dogs have thrown up all over the carpeted stairs, it’s me. When the dishes are piled high, *ding* *ding* *ding*… It’s me.
Logistically, because there’s no one else, but also spiritually. My soul is giving, and I care deeply about people and my work ethic. I do not feel good about doing something half-assed or just good enough. Sometimes that is necessary, but it is not the standard that I live by.
I really do not connect well with people who do the bare minimum. I may comprehend their point of view, but it doesn’t sit well with me. Like, what do you mean you just go home and watch TV every night after work? What do you mean you didn’t read the email about the thing that is happening today at school? What do you mean you just don’t bring your kid to the dentist?
Anyway, this thinking really does lead into other areas of my life. Teaching, Motherhood, and Relationships.
Do I Even Want A Partner Right Now?
Ugh, this is hard to talk about. SOOOOOO… to give you some background, I recently got out of a relationship with a wonderful, kind, awesome person… I know, you are probably reading this and wondering, WTF, why would she do that?
Well, it just wasn’t right, and no matter how much I wanted it to be, when your intuition tells you that it is not right, you should listen. That is a lesson I have learned the hard way over and over.
So for the past month, I’ve been back to my single life, and honestly, it hasn’t been nearly as challenging as I expected. Yes, I don’t have someone checking on me, and I have had fewer conversations on the phone, but I am grateful to say I have healed a lot of my issues around being single.
It’s honestly been freeing; not worrying about waking anyone up when I work out in the morning; not worrying about looking cute or shaving my legs; less mental load (even though I deeply cared about this person I was dating, you really don’t realize how much of their stuff you carry when in a relationship); no one is waiting for me to come home; no one dependent on my savings, debt, or credit score if it gets more serious; no one to consider when deciding if I want to move or not (which is a serious question for me this coming year).
At the same time, it does suck to be single sometimes. I can honor that it is a privilege to have someone at home waiting for you, someone to check the locks or to sweep the snow off your car in the winter, someone to buy a drink for you at the gas station, or to call when life is really overwhelming.
Anyway, I’m not really sure where I am going here. Beyond that, I am fine being single and am unsure if I want a partner right now, but if the right person came around, I think I would go for it.
In the meantime, I am focusing on getting fitter, eating better, being a better mom and teacher, completing my master’s degree, and financially preparing to buy a home.
Being a Mom & a Teacher: Some Days Are Easier Than Others.
Wow, these are two of the hardest jobs for completely different reasons, but today my worlds combined more than usual. My son has been having a hard time at preschool, which is not uncommon but new to me, as this is my first time being a mom and my first time living life as a human (that I can recall consciously).
So, after the first week went less than fantastic, I asked his teacher if we could meet to go over his challenges and to get further support at school since I know they have more resources available and they encourage families to reach out.
We scheduled the meeting right away, and I was looking forward to it.
That meeting occurred this morning. Here’s where the worlds collided. I have taught for four years, and for two of those years, I was a special educator. I have sat in meeting after meeting with parents (well over 200 at this point), and I have said so many positives about kids and also shared their struggles.
I think that I am an empathetic and compassionate person and truly can connect with how parents are feeling during meetings, but boy was I wrong… There is nothing more gut-wrenching and, dare I say, almost embarrassing about being on the receiving end of a parent-teacher meeting.
AND don’t get me wrong, my son’s teacher is FANTASTIC, and their support is comprehensive and wonderful, but I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn’t leave there and cry the entire 12-minute ride from the preschool to the school I teach at.
I know my son will “get it” and he will have help to turn some of his challenges around, but dang, it doesn’t feel good at the moment. I hope that if you are going through something similar, you don’t feel alone.
I reminded myself in the car ride while crying and eating my breakfast (not sure the last time I didn’t eat breakfast in the car) that I am just a 28-year-old girl who is living life for the first time and it’s ok to need help and to not have it all figured out.
Remember when I said up above that I strive to do everything to the best of my ability? Well, friends, parenting and your child, while in your hands in some ways, are completely unpredictable and imperfect in others.
Anyways, that is all I have to share for now. I hope this message finds you if you need it.
Love Always,
Yours
I’d love to hear from you <3